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What the Heck am I Doing?


Ever wonder if you are on the right path? You start off with confidence, or maybe not, but at least you’re excited for your new venture.


I often start new chapters in my life this way. For instance, getting married and having a family. My husband and I dreamed of what it would be like as I was pregnant with our first. We talked about how fun it would be to go to the park, have Christmas, and celebrate their birthdays. Once the baby was in my arms and they left me alone in the room, I remember thinking, “I don’t know you and I don’t know what I’m doing.”


The initial excitement gives way to apprehension and lost confidence. What the heck am I doing? The good news is we grow through these times. I got it figured out and had my routine down for my six children, all very close in age. There were times I thought I wouldn’t make it, felt completely overwhelmed, but most of the time it was very rewarding and even a little fun.


When I stepped out into ministry, again I began with excitement but felt clueless. There’s been a lot to learn over the years. I have found I often cry my way through the most stretching of times, even though I’m not a big crier. I’ve learned to live off-balance, which means I’m leaning on God. There is no way I would have survived this long if not for God’s strength, encouragement, and support.


In my weak human selfishness, I would rather run. Find something that doesn’t require risk. I recently heard someone say, “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” I’d have to agree, but I still find my inner self wanting to play it safe.


My newest chapter in life has been to self-publish a book. I began just for fun, not telling anyone what I was doing. Once I became more serious about it, I began to dream a little. But I learned there are millions of books, great books out there that will never be traditionally published, but I’ve worked hard on this first book. So, here I am again thinking, “What the heck am I doing?” Marketing sucks and it’s really hard to compete with the big dogs out there. I feel like a grain of sand on a seashore. How will anyone find my book, and will it be good enough?


Am I discouraged? Yeah. Am I giving up? No… not yet anyway. I’m secretly competitive. I want to do this well but realize so many others are further along in their journey and knowledge or writing.


What about you? What dream have you had? Are you following it? Are you excited, discouraged, or conflicted?


I’ve found that if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, slowly but surely, I do make progress. It’s kind of like growing taller as a kid. It feels like it will never happen, but every day there is growth that can’t be seen until you are further down the road.


We can only get to where we are going one step at a time. So, let’s do that.

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